August 13, 2017

The end of training for......

I finally got the problems for my pituitary gland fixed. I feel so much better now. I have more energy. And I'm sure once I'm able to start working out again I'll start  getting gains again. But I can't work out right now. Earlier this year my wife got a invitation for a wedding in New York City. She desperately wanted for all five of us to go. We made a deal. I'd pick up a couple extra shifts a week and she'd get a part time job on her 2 days off. We also agreed we wouldn't go unless we could save the money in cash. We wouldn't use credit cards, loans, or tap into our emergency fund. As the months passed I continued to do my part picking up extra shifts. But she hasn't done anything at all to earn any extra money for the trip. Last month I reminded her that since she hasn't held up her end of the deal we haven't saved enough money to be able to go. She told me she didn't care if we had the money to go or not, that she and the kids are going. She said she'd use credit cards or empty out our emergency fund if she had too. I don't want her to put us in another horrible mess financially like she has so many times in the past. So for over a month I'm working from 5:30am-8:00pm every weekday. I don't even have enough time to sleep, much less workout. I'm overly fatigued and I miss seeing my children. Since starting to work like this again I'm gaining weight hand over fist. I worked 80-90 hours a week from 2006-2014 because of her bad decisions and disregard for me. And here I am doing it again. It's unfair. I'm tired of being a wage slave.

More men died by suicide last year than in WWII. The reason is ignored or repressed. Studies are met with animosity.

My opinion is that the majority of men's suicides are by middle aged married men or men being destroyed by divorce, family courts, unfair alimony, spousal support, and child support.

Most married men have to work a rediculous amount of hours or work jobs they don't like in order to support their wife's lifestyle expectations. The wife rarely has a job that could support her unrealistic lifestyle expectations so the man has to pick up the slack working hours and jobs he'd never have chosen if he was on his own. But the married man is trapped. He can't escape this nightmare. If he stops working the excessive hours and/or goes back to the jobs that would make him happy his wife will leave him or she'll continue her spending and he'd be in bankruptcy court. Once she realizes he can't provide her the lifestyle or the things in life she expects she'll start looking for someone who will or she'll want a divorce. The husband will get stuck with all the debt. She'll get all the assets. And he'll lose his kids.

Let's look at the numbers. If I make $50k a year the government will take just shy of %35 ($17,500) in taxes. Then I'll pay child support for three kids ($12,500). Plus approximately $600-$800 a month in alimony or spousal support ($9,600). So that leaves me $10,400 a year to live on. That's less than a thousand $ a month. The only way I can have my kids stay the night at my place on the days I have them is if I have a place the state deems appropriate. That alone would take almost all of the money I'd have left over. I'd have no money for food, gas, utilities, clothes..... So the way I see it is there are only 3 options.
1) continue to be a wage slave and live a miserable existence of working 60-90 hours a week with no help.
2) divorce and live an even worse life of being broke and never seeing my kids.
3) suicide....

I don't want a divorce. All I really want is for my wife to act like an adult. I want her to stop making bad decisions that only I pay the consequences for. I feel like she's an entitled child living in an adults body. I'm a wage slave and there's no end to the suffering. I'm tired of working so many hours. I'm tired of feeling like the person who is most comfortable with me suffering is my own wife. I want a partner. A helper. I want to be a part of a team. What I'm experiencing is not team work. It's abuse.

July 04, 2017

Goodbye Dad

My natural father and I were very close when I was younger. He used to pick me up on weekends and every other holiday. Once he moved farther away he'd fly me out to visit him every other summer, spring, and Christmas break. And then when I was 12 he disappeared without any warning. I found him again in 2002. He was living in Truth or Consequences New Mexico, just a few hours from where I've lived my entire adult life. I visited him and I asked if I could could see him every once in awhile. Maybe catch a movie or something. He responded, "that would be abandoning my family." His response made no sense to me at all. Obviously seeing a movie or going out to dinner occasionally isn't abandoning anyone. And I was his family. I didn't contact him again until after my wife and I had three kids together. I thought he'd like to meet them and get to know them. I was wrong. He's never called on anyone's birthdays, Christmas, etc. Last Christmas he traveled the country to spend time visiting each of his kids and step kids. Everyone of them but me. He didn't call when his Dad died. I wouldn't have known about my grandpa's funeral if one of my cousins hadn't called and told me. I called him on father's day. He said he heard in February that my father-in-law died. He knew for two months and never even bothered to call and see how we were doing. Since getting back into contact with him the only times he's ever called was to tell me I was cut out of his will. And another time to tell me he was going to give the watch my grandpa left to me when he died to my uncle instead. Id gladly trade inheritance and my grandfather's heirloom for an occasional phone call. Would an "I love you son" be to much to ask? I've tried really hard to build a relationship with him. But I've come to realize he is dead set against one. At the time I didn't understand what he meant when he told me he'd be abandoning his family if he spent time with me. It's taken me until now to understand that what he meant was he didn't want to spend time with me at all. Ever. I should have known back then. Perhaps I was in denial. But I understand now..... I wish I could say I won't miss you.  But I will. I have mourned over your absence for 29 years. It felt like there was a void created in my heart once you bailed out of my life.... Goodbye Dad. Even though you don't deserve it, I love you. And I'll miss you deeply.

June 23, 2017

Medical update

I saw an endocrinologist this week. She believes my poor strength, inability to recover, weight gain, and fatigue has to do with me getting ran over by a car. She believes my pituitary gland was damaged. In addition to low testosterone I also had no detectable human growth hormone, my calcium has dropped significantly, etc. I'm having more tests done to see what we can do about it. Until we figure it out she requested I slow down or stop training altogether.

June 19, 2017

Poor performance and recovery

I've noticed I'm not making gains or recovering like I used to..... No matter how much I try to lose weight I can't..... Seems the harder I work the weaker and fatter I get..... I get night horrible sweats to the point the bed is soaked..... i expect some of these due to age but not this much. I finally broke down and went to see my doctor. Turns out I have very low testosterone..... I'm not sure what to think about this yet. I'm almost relieved that I finally have an actual reason that I'm feeling like this. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist this week. I'll keep y'all updated as I find things out.

June 11, 2017

Sold my baby

I've had a Cannondale Slice for a long time.
I put a lot of miles on it. Almost 12,000 miles. I'm very emotionally attached to this bike. I tried selling it on Craigslist. But when people came over to look at it I'd end up telling them I'd changed my mind.

This weekend my cousin came up from Lubbock Texas. He said if I was selling it he'd really like to buy it. I was so excited! He takes really great care of his bikes. This couldn't have worked out better. My beautiful bike has a good home.

June 10, 2017

Weightlifter

This week I've been training really hard. My legs are trashed. Last night I wasn't able to finish my clean and jerk workout. That rarely happens. I'm going to increase my calorie intake by 50 a day to see if that helps. This morning I woke up and my legs are still tired. But I'm going back to High Dessert Athletic Club this morning anyways. There was a period of time that I was struggling to decide if I wanted to be a weightlifter or a powerlifter. I tried powerlifting. I didn't like it. I have focus now. A focus I was missing before. I'm a weightlifter.

June 08, 2017

Weightlifting hard!

This week has been a great week for weightlifting training, track training, and eating. During my taper for the state games I was missing working out so bad! This week I've thrown myself back into it hard. I seem to be making progress on eliminating the pause I have at the knee. I also have new motivation. My best buddy started dating a girl with a sad story. After her divorce she started working hard on losing weight. She's lost 120 pounds. Her feelings are hurt because her ex-husband only wanted her back after she lost the weight. And her ex-husband is hurt because he feels she was only willing to get in shape for other men, not him. I've always prided myself on being a selfless and doting husband. But that girl's story made me realize that me being overweight may cause problems in the way my wife sees and appreciates me. Me being kind, hard working, selfless and a good father for her children just  may not be enough.

June 06, 2017

Great financial news

On May 31st, 7 days ago I finished paying off my father in law's funeral and our state tax bill. It took a few months of pounding out a lot of overtime. But it's finally paid off. I'm exhausted​ and ready to catch up on rest, but we're caught up with our finances.
I know I posted this a couple weeks ago. But here it is again. From 2007-2015 I worked 42,120 hours. That's 4,680 hours a year. An average person that works 40 hours a week works 2,080 hours a year. I averaged more than double that. Being put in a position that I was forced to work overtime for so long caused a lot of problems including but not limited to severe depression. I'd never struggled with depression before that. I'm really sick of overtime. I'm hoping this is the end of me having to hammer out overtime. It's doubtful. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed!